Sticky♥Noting

I wish Sam could do this for me because I get sad sometimes and he usually doesn’t know how to handle it. Eventually he figures it out that I actually really need help in taking control of the situation but it usually takes him awhile and during that time period I tend to tumble down hill quickly.

I know we all have to figure out how to see our own light without the help of others… But when I’m not dating someone it’s not that hard for me to see my own light. All my emotions get foggy when lovey-emotions are involved. The highs are higher and the lows are lower. And sometimes I just freak out internally and can’t get myself out of my own head until I verbal vomit it all out all over everything and everyone. Then I cry and wait for them to clean up my mess.

IM AWFUL WHEN THIS HAPPENS JUST SO YOU ALL KNOW.

I went like 3 years with out any serious relationships after college because I thought maybe I needed more time to learn how to be okay with myself but it didn’t help.

This just happened the other day when Sam was leaving for Colorado the next day for 10 days. I was sad and he wasn’t acting sad at all which made me even more sad so then I tried to correct the situation by asking outright for what I wanted which was for him to express his feelings to me so he did but it wasn’t enough because in this kind of scenario he (or boys of my past in general) will be very dismissive and just be like “oh yeah of course ill miss you” and then go on doing/saying whatever else. Which, what else could/would they say? It doesn’t satisfy my need at all. But since they did technically give me what I want, at that point I’m kinda forced to let it go for the moment but on the inside I’m still freaking out until by the end of the night I have been thinking about it so much that I can’t stop myself from crying for hours.

It sucked so much because he is a really good bf and I’m stupid for causing problems in an otherwise problem free relationship. Not to mention, it kind of just put a really dark cloud over the whole night which had been really great otherwise (we went on a double date with Sarah and Jon then got drunk off of wine we snuck in to the dollar theater to see MIB3).

But it’s not him, it’s just me in relationships. Ever since I was 16 until now I have been like this and I am a lot better at it now days but it’s a constant struggle and it’s even harder to contemplate when I actually think about changing it because I kind of like myself. I mean, the reason the people who like me do like me is because I am so kind, sweet, giving, loving, nurturing, etc— in fact, if you ask any of my exes why they liked me they will undoubtedly say one or all of those things. But the reasons I’m like that, the reason I’m so good with that side of a relationship is because the highs are so high. It makes it so simple for me, makes it easy and natural. So, how in the fuck do I dial down my internal insanity when I want to keep all the good parts of my highly sensitive personality type?